Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Procrastinating The Lows.

I push the grocery cart down the aisle that hosts the boxed pasta and jars of spaghetti sauce. I can hear my stomach starting to grumble - I had stayed a couple of hours late at work, and on a normal day, I would have already eaten dinner by then. Knowing our fridge was near empty, I stop at the store on my way home. I have half a cart full of food, and I'm ready to leave.

Walking suddenly feels a lot like swimming. Ugh. I just want to get out of here and eat dinner.

Suddenly, I remember that I didn't grab milk. U-turn. Back to the back of the store. Milk in tow. Back to the front.

I really don't want to be low right now. Dinner is sitting right in front of me; I don't want to eat glucose tabs right now too. I can make it.

And salad! I didn't grab lettuce! Spin move; to the produce.

Why does everyone have to be in my way right now? Seriously lady; move your cart over.

Okay; done. Check out.

Why did I get so many things? Got to make sure to put all of the cold things together so they get bagged together.

The girl forgets the reusable bag discount. I just want this to be done.

"Bread? Check. Apples? Check.
Low blood sugar? Check."
My Dexcom LOW!!! alarm goes off.

Hurry hurry hurry hurry... just want to get out of here... 

...oh, crap. 

I had forgotten that this is the store where they bring your groceries to your car for you. Normally, that's helpful. When you're below 55 mg/dL and can't remember exactly where your car is, it's embarrassing.

As soon as the doors swish open and I can see pavement, I start frantically hitting my car remote's lock button, hoping to see the lights flash. The teenage boy watches me, expecting me to lead to where the car is.

I bluff and head down the middle.

BEEP BEEP!

Was that the car or my CGM?

We find the car; I clumsily throw open the back hatch and try to help load things in, so that this goes faster. I say "thank you". I fall into the driver's seat and can finally stop putting off the dusty, chalky glucose tabs in my future.

I don't know why I do this.

I convince myself that I don't need to treat that low right then. I tell myself to wait a few minutes... but for what? I know I'm just going to feel worse, and I know that my blood sugar isn't going to go back up on its own. Rationally, I know these things.

In that moment, however, rational thinking can give way to the decision that procrastinating is a good choice.

I can't explain it.

18 comments:

  1. I don't need to say anything because you know what I'm going to say, right? COOL. (who's to judge?)

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  2. Oh my gosh, Kim, this is so good. I loved your account. I can totally see what you mean. Obviously, I'm not the one with diabetes in this house, but at dinner time, I go through the same thing with my son. I know he needs dinner now, but I have to first do this, this, and this. Trying to beat the clock before the sugar gets too low!

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  3. I totally do the same thing. Sometimes I imagine that my blood sugar will magically correct itself if I hold out for a few minutes.

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  4. why? why do we do this to ourselves? it's like my brain says D cant make me do things just cause he says so, so i'm just not going to. HA!

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  5. I have actually sat there with a glass of juice in front of me, like I'm waiting for someone else to drink it! I hate that we have that idea of, "no really, I'm all right, I'm not low".

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  6. You can't explain it? you just did.
    and reading this... yup. nodding my head over here. It's like, "now is the perfect time to finish my life's tasks in 5 minutes." I don't know why we do it, must be some sort of idea about tying up loose ends because our bodies are DYING!

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  7. I do this when I'm low, too! For me it's usually...I think I can finish cleaning the entire house before I have to treat this low. Like I'm in a race or something. Weird how logic goes out the window with lows.

    Thank you, Kim.

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  8. Kim, you've brilliantly captured this - totally head-nodding on this end of the screen. You nailed it, when saying we somehow revert to the "D can't control us" or "We can do it" when we should be rationally understanding that treating the Low is necessary. So is our lives with D... Great post!

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  9. I love how you write, you make us really feel we are there with you, which right now sucks as J was 28 this afternoon walking out of school. So I am crying mess. The lows are the worst for him when he's out and about too.

    (((Hugs)))) stupid effin D.

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  10. I love this! I do it all the time! I always ignore my low, thinking it will "go away", even though I've had T1 for years.

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  11. I am so thankful to learn I'm not the only one who does this? I mean, it seems so dumb, yet I keep doing it. Over, and over, and over again. For the record, I always get the same result. Lower.

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  12. Been there, done that! Of course, the main reason why we do these things is because when we are hypoglycemic our brains cannot function normally. If they could, they would make us stop and eat (or at least drink a Juicy Juice.) BTW, I was SURE you were going to have gone back into the store to buy a pack of Juicy-Juice boxes! Juice always works so much better for me than glucose tablets do (it seems twice as fast.)

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  13. I have experienced exactly what you've described at the store a couple of times, and both times it seems that I've spent at least 1/2 hour longer than I should have at the store, just because I couldn't concentrate.

    Not that this is always helpful, but I find that when I start to recognize the symptoms, I just suspend my pump until I can do whatever it is that I need do to recover, if that makes sense. Doesn't always work, but it has saved me a few times.

    BTW, what a slice of heaven you must live in, where they discount you for the reusable bags and take your purchase to your car! Sometimes I'm considered lucky if I come out and find that the space next to mine wasn't used as a temporary cart corral, with my truck as the unfortunate border...

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  14. Anonymous - you're right; Nebraska IS a slice of heaven. ;)

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  15. What an accurate and amazing account of what we have to deal with every day. I have caught myself in the same situation with the same thoughts more times than I would like. Thank you for sharing the realities of our daily life.

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  16. Agreed. Its like my brain knows I'm getting low so it decides now is the best time to rearrange the furniture or fold laundry or do some other type A personality thing. And I have to finish it, only when I'm low do I not procrastinate cleaning. It is not uncommon to find a pile of strange things in front of my fridge, I eventually just drop everything and drink the juice.
    And I agree, Nebraska is a slice of heaven, but dont tell everyone that, then they'll want to move here and ruin our rural-ish life.

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  17. Joselyn - I'm considering a post about why I love Nebraska so much! Should I cancel? :)

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  18. I do that exact thing as well... Usually when I'm lying awake in bed at 2AM, thinking that my body will just magically make my blood sugars go back up to normal. Would be so much easier if I just got up and fixed it, instead of putting it off for 45 minutes!

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