Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm Not Great At This.

I rely on my CGM for insulin dosing decisions, and I wear those sensors until they sputter out. The ends of the adhesive get so frilly they start to resemble a tutu.

My A1C has risen each of the last 3 times it's been tested in the past year. Not dramatically, but steadily. It is not currently under 7%. I have mixed feelings about that.

I make food decisions that could stand to be improved. I order a cheeseburger when I should order a salad. With the exception of the past few days, I usually have a few diet sodas a day. (I've switched to coffee, iced tea and water for the time being.) I'm sitting here eating a spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate chips on it as I type this. Low carber, I am usually not.

I don't test as often as I used to, or as I "should". My testing frequency ebbs and flows, and right now, it's ebbing like a boss. I bribe myself with new (not originally intended to be) meter cases to get myself to test more often. (Sometimes, that works. Sometimes it doesn't.)



I reuse insulin pump tubing and cartridges. I fill cartridges from multiple insulin bottles and pens, because I don't want to waste the little bit that's left at the end.

 I don't log my numbers. At all.

There are nights where I don't take my thyroid meds and vitamins because I'm just too tired to mess with it. It literally would take me 30 seconds, but I don't do it. I can always remember my morning ones, but evening is a different story.

Exercise is... well, you can guess. I don't work out often - it's either that I don't have workout clothes clean (lame), or I'm already tired (hello, exercise and taking all of my meds would help this), or my blood sugar is already dropping (or too high, or planking, or or or...).

I often don't notice that I'm out of pump supplies until I try to do a set change, only to find that I've nothing left to change with. (This is where that "reusing" comes in.)

I learn the same lessons over and over... or, rather, I'm reminded of them. Sometimes I change my behavior, sometimes I do not. A lot of times I change, but it doesn't stick.

I don't have this all figured out. I don't have all of the answers. I'm not great at being "perfect" (whatever the heck THAT is).

I'm living with this the best way I can at any given moment.

28 comments:

  1. So familiar......

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  2. It's like we are identical diabetes twins, separated at diagnosis. (isn't diabetes tiring? it's the part people don't 'get')

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  3. Love the meter case! :). All the rest sounds normal....who's perfect.....if they are... They aren't sane... Thus.... Who's perfect?

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  4. I totally understand. I turned over a new leaf last week, but I've turned it back over again, I guess. I was recording not only my blood sugars but everything I ate too, to try to figure out how to keep on the fine line between high and low. I started eating like crap again this weekend, so I stopped keeping the log. It's a daily struggle. (And good morning to you, 301. I was expecting you today. When 57 stopped by last night and we ate a little too much, I knew you'd be here in the morning.) I think my last A1c was 8.1. I also tried to incorporate exercise in my routine (um, what routine?) a few weeks ago, but I gave it up after crashing two nights in a row to, respectively, 32 and 42. Ugh. Bless you for being a voice for all of us.

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  5. Hi, Kim,

    I don`t know anyone who is great at being "perfect" (certainly not me), So I feel your pain Sista, Onward and upward...

    P...

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  6. That's all life. Not "doing", or "not doing", just reality. Ignoring the thyroid meds, and, well, never ordering a salad over a bacon cheeseburger, you've described my day-to-day too. And when we do run out of supplies, the friendly 24h diabetes unicorn has got our backs covered.

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  7. thanks for putting into words how hard this is for us all! thanks for using your honesty, your words, for those of us who don't seem to have the right ones ourselves. honesty is so beautiful especially when it's about not being perfect. you are so beautiful!

    btw...I LOVE your case for your D-stuff, I seriously want one (I'm getting pretty tired of looking at that same black case the one-touch comes with).

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  8. this sounds so familiar ... you know you're not alone. we just try to do better next time! (peanut butter and chocolate chips ... that sounds delicious.)

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  9. This is why I love you Kim! As a T1 diagnosed at the age of 38 whose only 9 months in to this whole life-changing thing called diabetes, I feel like I can always count on you to help me find a center through your blog entries. Thanks for sharing in such an open and honest way. Please keep it up and realize how much of a difference you make to so many of us!

    Jim

    p.s. Pet Billy for me!

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  10. You guys are making my eyes tear up BIG TIME today, in a good way. Thank you.

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    1. Girl you rock. It's hard enough trying to be good without having to share all the ups and downs with the rest of us! I know that being a Type 1 for almost 35 years has made me a more responsible person, but I get so tired of telling people why I'm choosing NOT to have a cookie. Or feel guilty for NOT working out, when the rest of the world (okay, most of it!) sits around all the time eating doughnuts and potato chips. Or so it seems. It's been a rough month and if I see one more day with 400 and 40 in it (amen to you Heidi!), I might think about giving up. For a minute or two at least. Or maybe I'll see what you had to say that day and hug my dogs. Thanks for speaking out for us!

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  11. The worst part of it is that it's now January, which means all of the insurance coverages and rules change, often without clear warning. I'm down to my last 75 test strips (which is not very comforting for me) and I'm still trying to figure out how to best (meaning, best cost) get more. So I wait, and I stall, (and I treat a BG of 53 with my wife's mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, as I'm doing at this very moment), and eventually I'll run out.

    My A1C has crept up a bit over the past year, too, and I'm now above 7. Granted, I switched endos, from one who uses the fingerstick in-office A1C to lab-drawn IV tests, but the trend is the same.

    I find it refreshing that people like you who seem to be on top of diabetes every day (at least in the blogosphere), still struggle with it. It's at least refreshing for the rest of us who struggle, too. But for you, I hope you find a way to make things a little better.

    And if you happen to be in New Jersey when you run out of pump supplies, give me a call. It's always good to have a real-life friend with D to help you out in your time of need.

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  12. Oh my goodness, I have been feeling this way today as well. I got the Dexcom (comme ci comme ca) and it kinda hurts to be reminded constantly of "wrong" and "right." I must ask...where did you get that fantastic meter box??

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    1. Hi there! My meter box is actually a makeup case from Fossil. (http://www.fossil.com/en_US/shop/women/accessories/novelty/key_per_frame_cosmetic-sl3073p.html?parent_category_rn=211516&departmentCategoryId=30000&N=0&Ns=p_wsc8%7C0%7C%7Cp_weight%7C0&pn=c&cm_vc=291085&rec=8&imagePath=SL3073995) I found it on clearance for $10 at a local department store. Happy hunting!

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  13. Oh, I love you.

    I always read your posts and have never commented until now, but I literally e-mailed myself your post from my Google Reader so I can print it out and put it up at my desk, so I can remember that I'm not the only one who doesn't "do it perfectly" all the time, that I'm NOT the only person who reuses insulin cartridges (and who wishes they could figure out how to reuse tubing) and mixes the dregs from insulin bottles together because I don't have insurance right now. . .it goes on and on.

    I think I'm going to go buy myself a pretty testing supply box tonight.

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  14. Thank you so much for this! Sometimes I feel like a diabetic failure and it's nice to hear that we all struggle.

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  15. Girl. I'm right there (here?) with you. Though I have not tried the PB w/ choc chips, I most certainly will now! I use reservoirs, sites/tubing for at least a week, just refilling and leaving the site in, b/c it's easier than re-doing the whole thing. How much easier? Not that much. I go from no soda, to caffeine-free soda, to water, back to DIET COKE, to caffeine-free, back to DIET COKE...whatever, it's just how it goes. For a few months I'll get on the low-carb wagon, and I feel better, and it goes great...until it doesn't and all I want is carbs and by the way don't they taste best at 11pm, when my basal's about to take a nosedive like it should when I haven't just shoveled a whole bunch of candy-cane joe-joe's in my mouth w/a chaser of milk? And then I bolus, like I should, and even correct a few hrs. later, b/c I'm staying up and it's the weekend so who needs sleep even though I think my BG looooooves sleep and in fact would do better if I just slept all. damn. day?!? I won't begin to bore you with my exercise shenanigans. Anyway, you ARE a good person and I'll say a good person WITH DIABETES, b/c I don't judge whether or not someone's good with how tightly they can stick to a list of "shoulds." Bah. Change is a process, and each and every teensy change is a huge process. Serious. I used to teach and train people about this. So take it easy on yourself. You're amazing, I love you, we all support you and know exactly where you're coming from. Deep breath, and thanks for writing this and reminding us that we all face this B.S., at least we can do it together! LYMI.

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  16. We do what we can. Sometimes I don't even know what i'm doing. I just take things as they happen. Somedays I don't test as often as I should, I never go low carb and I never work out. Trying to remember to test and bolus is hard enough dammit. We do what we can. We are human. We can do this. You are loved and you are not alone.

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  17. You're doing just fine Kim, we all hit that point every now and again, you're not alone in this

    Lov ya,
    Scott

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  18. I agree- it is hard to remember all the meds and vitamins. Something that has REALLY helped me is this: I went to the store and purchased some larger weekly pill containers. I have two, one for morning meds and vitamins, the other for evening. Every Sunday evening, I pull out all the meds and vitamins and put them in their pill containers for the week. I set my alarm on my cell phone for 6am and 6pm. When the alarm goes off, all I have to do it open the pill box, dump all the vitamins and meds that are for that dose for that day, pop them in my mouth, swig some water, and all done.

    It has made a WORLD of difference to be doing this- I never miss my meds, I keep my blood pretty steady and regular. I even convinced my twin sister who HATES routine to do this because she was spending 10-15 minutes every morning and evening searching for her meds, then taking them.

    Happy day!

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  19. That case is sooooo cute! I totally do that too, bribe myself with newer and cuter bags to carry my D-stuff in. It annoys my husband because I just spent $40 on a Myabetic wallet a few months ago and I'm using another one currently! But this makes me feel so much better to read this. Not that you're not doing so hot at diabetes, but that I'm in a similar place and it's dark and lonely here.. but somewhere out there someone else feels like me. Makes it just a bit brighter to know I'm not alone.

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  20. no one is perfect, friend. just do your best each day, whatever that looks like. like ginger said, your best can change from day to day. love you! <3

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  21. None of us are great at this and we all have those times where we want to forget about it. My lunch yesterday... a cheeseburger. You're not alone.

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  22. That last sentence says it all... "I'm living with this the best way I can at any given moment."

    Remember that only today forward is what we can change; that we should celebrate the little victories; and that most people can't even begin to comprehend everything that we have to do just to live another day. And there ain't no vacations from it.

    You are an inspiration.

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    1. THANK YOU for your amazing honesty! Diabetes is a hassle and gets in the way and sometimes we don't want to deal with it in the best way. We're not perfect but we're not doing a half bad job dealing with it every day :)

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  23. pobody's nerfect. when i was a kid, i used had a bookmark that said that. thanks for your honesty, i'm sure it makes others feel less alone. :)

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  24. Thank you for posting this. I really really needed this today. I don't remember the last time I was under 7%--I've been hovering from 7.5 - 8.2 the past few years, despite me trying and trying. Normally I put it all in stride and keep chugging, but lately I've been so frustrated and just at the end of my rope with this stupid disease.

    It feels so comforting that I'm not alone in this.

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