Editor's note: For the past couple of years I have had a mildly obsessive desire to rewrite, and then get a bunch of people together to act out, various SNL Weekend Update sketches with a diabetes slant. So I guess this isn't so much poetry as it is facetious scriptwriting. Rules? I break them!
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So Anthony, what have you been hearing news-wise about diabetes?
Aaaaaah (looks both ways)... did you hear about this thing? Yeah, some strip clubs are being graded now, but none of them have popular names and GPS can never find them.
No, no, you've got it wrong. I think you're talking about test strips being marketed as "generic", and people are concerned about their accuracy.
I'm pretty sure it was about stripping, Seth. Yeah, and you can only touch the strippers once.
No, no, no. The strips work with One Touch meters.
IIIIIIIII'm pretty sure it was about strippers.
Okay, okay. What else is in the news?
(looks around) Did you uuuuuh.... did you hear about this one?
I won't know until you tell me about it.
Yeah, some people are on this really restrictive diet. Can you believe it? They eat exactly what the Berenstain Bears eat - it's nothing but salmon and honey.
Ah... well, actually the salmon part might be true, but no - you're talking about the Bernstein diet. It has nothing to do with bears or children's books.
IIIIIII'm pretty sure it's about bears, Seth.
It's not. I promise.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm pretty sure people are eating like bears!
Stefon, people are looking for great places to travel this summer. What can you tell us?
New York's hottest club is BEEP BEEP BEEP.
Opened in 2015 on the Upper East Side of your stomach, club owner Dexter Comrade has gone all out.
This club has EVERYTHING:
Tabs, gels, smushed granola bars, exotic juice box flavors, tube trimmers....
I think I'm afraid to ask... what are "tube trimmers"?
It's that thing where a midget on a unicycle rides around with a pair of giant scissors, and cuts all of the insulin pump tubing he finds because he thinks it's a string hanging from your shirt.
That... is really offensive. And that cannot be a real thing.